It’s almost Christmas time!
I’m so excited to (most likely!) be going to Scotland in about a week…I just need my stamp in my passport that shows I’m legal, still, but I figure if, for some reason, I end up staying here (Christmas in Germany, how terrible ;) ) God has a plan.
It’s been pretty cold here in Stuttgart, very snowy and rainy and slushy! I’m so grateful for my boots, just need to re-waterproof them!
I’m starting to write music again. I’ve had some inspiration as of late; I’m excited to see what comes of it…
I’m homesick for people I love. My sister and brothers and parents and grandparents and having artsy/movie hangouts with Garebear, getting Panda and working out with Alix, walks in the woods in the snow and the smell of Colorado rain, Pikes Peak, nights out or in with my favorite girlies…
But I know as soon as I leave Stuttgart I’ll be brokenhearted, too. I’ll miss singing with Kelsey and goofing off with Casey, jamming and having deep, encouraging conversations with Landon, singing to Josh and Em and Paula and Carola, their giggles and hugs, discovering new things and practicing my Deutsch with Johannes, dancing with Robin and Jake…
I’ll feel like a split person. I already do. Good to love things so much it hurts to lose them, right? Good to have had the experiences and become something you never thought you could be, doing things you never thought were possible, right?
But then so many experiences are out on the road that I’ll be taking…college, music, choir, experiences! Challenges! Accomplishments! Love of God and new people to call my friends, meeting more brothers and sisters of Christ.
C’est la vie! And it’s so exciting!
I am in a melancholy mood because it’s the holidays and I’m not near my family.
Every day I miss my Mama. It’s an emotion that builds up and builds up until I totter on the edge, on my tiptoes, lurching back and forth until something jolts and I fall in that huge chasm of grief. Like a lake that’s frozen over, and I’m trying so hard to stay still, holding the pieces together with willpower, so the thin ice won’t fall apart under my feet. Cos I always know what’s coming...pain, resurfacing in a huge burning wave. I know I’m not the only one to experience this.
Sometimes I wonder who is going through a similar thing, but is also masking it.
One thing I’m trying to figure out is how to make life about God with every action and every thought. Figuring out what his will is.
Recently I’ve become frustrated with those living life to be comfortable. So many times I’ve heard friends say “Well, I feel like God might be leading me to do this, but I don’t know…”, and then they just continue with whatever it was they were doing. I think though, that if we felt like God was leading us to something, we shouldn’t wait for a big slap in the face telling us it’s the right thing to do! God’s a still, small voice, and if he plants something in your heart, you should pursue it and keep uncovering what that gentle prodding was about! Sometimes that’s all you’ll get!
Too often we become satisfied with the mundane and day-to-day.
I am learning that God really has a plan. These past few months have been (and sometimes still are) completely blind.
When I found out I needed to get another job to stay here in Germany, I had a few options, but only one looked like it might work out. It got down to the wire, and I prayed God, if I get this job, I will know you want me to stay in Germany for some reason. If I don’t, I know something of your plan is waiting for me state-side, and I trust that you’ll help me figure out what it is.
That was a whole lot of scary!
But, at the same time, it was so liberating to know that it was out of my hands, and that whatever happened would be God’s plan.
Ultimately we have no control anyway, as much as we may feel like we do! So what’s stopping us from dreaming big and leaping for things that might feel out of reach? When he has a plan for your life, God’s going to push you the rest of the distance you can’t quite reach on your own. That’s what faith’s about. Believing in what you can’t see. Believing things can happen that seem impossible. That there’s someone bigger than us who’s got it under control.
All he asks us to do is to go. Do. Jump.
