walls.

It's amazing how I can sit in the midst of a group of the people who know me the best and completely mask the fact that something is wrong.

I wonder how many people do that on a daily basis and I have no idea they're going through something insane. I also hope that they'd feel comfortable enough to tell me no matter what it was.
But I guess we can just be guarded, no matter how much we love and trust the people around us.


to do list:
practice guitar.
practice piano.
swear off crushes.

I'm about to go on the adventure of my life, I want to start it with a nice clean slate.

God, I don't know why it's so hard to talk to you. Out loud. When it's just me. Well--me and You. I'm scared of what you'll say sometimes. And the fact that I've screwed up each day, in some way big or small, doesn't help. I feel like my small minuscule human girl-woman voice will just cut the deep silent air and make my prayer into something artificial and dirty.
I just want to be perfect in your eyes, because you deserve perfection and I am the furthest thing.
But then I remember that if I let Jesus in, you do see me as perfect. As righteousness.
I wish I could believe it in my heart and not just my head.

routines and checklists!

I'm realizing how important it is to have a routine that I follow...
right now with my jobs and such I get up in the hour range of 5:45-noon, I go to bed in the range of 11-4am. It's awful...


But as you know I got the job in Germany, and when I leave there will be a lot of things that change, I've decided.
-going to bed/getting up on time (I'll have no choice...)
-an actual routine of getting up, kids to school, walk the dog, workout, shower, do school work, have a couple hours of free time, kids home from school, and then later on do some more school, and then maybe read before going to bed on time again.


Hmmm. My sister and I started doing the ChaLEAN Extreme workouts, but ran into a problem of a couple DVDs being problematic so we're trying to do them while waiting for replacements! She's all cool because she is at this SELFDEFENSE course with our awesome friend Lauren! They decided they need to teach me what they know before I leave so I can be a little powerhouse while walking the streets of Europe. EEK. I can't believe this is happening... I am so excited. Slowly checking off my list of things to do beforehand! Today I have to mail Blaze's bilingual health certificate to the USDA, call the dentist (wisdom teeth are coming out before I leave..yikes!), and go to the Mac store to get mine checked out...the CD drive isn't working and something is clinking around in there....
I also have to start consolodating all my junk.


Better go do that!